Sad But True

This has been one of the most quixotic saturdays’s I have had. A ton of thoughts are racing through my head and I can’t think of the right words to express them. I guess these things come to mind, friends that are struggling to find purpose, my brother and his future and overall what do I want out of my life? It would take me hours to go through it all but I guess I can cover each of them a little bit. Consider this my blogging version of a “mini series”. So I will start with My friends and struggling to find purpose. Me and my group of friends are a tight knit bunch we pretty much hang out all of the time. For an example, on the cruise back in may we always seemed to be together and everyone called us the “three amigos” and the “Blues Brothers. I live with my friend Matt so we are around each other a lot. I work with with my other friend Bob so I see him on a daily basis as well. Chances are they are probably going to read this so I am prepared for some questions. So anyway, we are all single and have had our own unique situations when it comes to relationships. I have been single for I don’t know how long and Bob had a longtime girlfriend that I think if he could he would totally get back with her. Although I think he is craving to meet to new people and completely get over his ex. And then there is Matt. He has been completely infatuated with “Miss Missunderstood” if you read that post you know who I am referencing. Anyway he still has a thing for her even though she has a boyfriend. The boyfriend is actually another friend of mine and was a really good friend of Matt’s. He has for along time actually. They have their history together and even with their frequent arguments and sometimes phycotic behavior they consider each other to be close friends. Ok so that’s enough back story anyway mmy feeling in all of this is that most of the current relationships that we have were created when we were in high school. I personally feel that there is a need for all of us to branch out and not leave our happiness directly attached to to what I think are dead ends at least when it comes to any sort of dating connection. Mind you these people I think should be considered great friends but if possible we disconnect any other feelings besides friendship because being caught up like this no good. I don’t know about them but I know I want the best out of my life here and I am not completely sold if my current situation is the best for me.But nevermind me It isn’t about me. it shouldn’t be anyway. My point is that the situation that we are all in with still having lingering feelings (I include me too because I know I have had some before) is detrimental not only to future relationships but more importantly our walk with God. Cause when you think about it, how can God move forward with his plan for your future if you are still stuck on things of your past? Recently I have had the “live and let God” mentality and it has been refresing. Takes a lot of pressure off you know. It is a lot easier to not worry about if your going to lonely or if there is someone out there for you if you trust God with that aspect of your life and well your whole life overall. I don’t Know I just hope that we all wake up and smell the roses and realize that there is so much more to life then holding on to something that has long since dissapeared. I am not sorry if I broke some hearts with this post because if that’s what it takes for us to receive true happiness than so be it. I am trying to get to the point where I am able to be fully content with my relationship with the man upstairs and where any great relationship I have is gravy in my book. I am not there yet but I pray that the other guys are able to take that painful first step.

Done With This

So since I have been stuck at home all day and have been incredibly bored I decided to start my post early. I want to say that staying home from work is overrated. I would have went if my car wasn’t stuck.  I have done pretty much nothing of importance today and feel incredibly lazy. Sometimes I just feel like i am going through the motions and I am just taking up space on this earth. I kinda feel hollow in that regard. I feel that I should be doing something important or helping people out instead of the stupid crap that I end up doing sometimes. I want to leave this world better than it was. Even if I have a small impact. I feel like I need to be doing something more than I am. I mean I have a decently good job, not too many bills, a place to stay and I am plugged in to a good church and a great group of people. But in some ways I know I am not where I need to be, doing what I need to do and being the Christian that I need to be and I am tired of it. It’s time for a wake up call I guess. I need to figure some things out, the next chapter in my life. I think I feel like I am at an apex or a fork in the road and that there is a few directions I can take. I just don’t know what all of those directions are yet. I do know that I need to eraticate some sin out of my life and ask for forgiveness. Maybe once I am able to do that God will show me where to go or what to do next.

Satisfying

I Love Christmas. I had so much fun with everyone today. My friends and their family and my family for a little bit. It was just a great time. I enjoyed giving all of my friends their gifts and seeing the smile on their face was priceless. It was great planned fun hanging out with my friend Matt’s family. We made our own Christmas calzones ,fellowshipped, and played a fun game of Bunco (which I won by the way). The only thing that was a little downer was that I really didn’t think about the real meaning of Christmas too much. I don’t think I have truly thanked my Lord all day. I guess right now is a better time then never. I am going to pray before I fall asleep and do that. This has been and awesome day and I am excited to drive to work tomorrow through the snow (a tad sarcastic) and experience what tomorrow brings. I love you all and God bless!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Jesus was born today so it is a day to celebrate. I was able to spend some time with my family today and it was a breath of fresh air. I got to see some of my aunts and cousins and my 2 very young second cousins for the first time. Tonight really just reminded me the importance of family. I even was able to have a normal conversation with my mom and people who know that situation know that me and my mom don’t get along very much. There is something about the holidays that bring people together and it seems that broken relationships are patched up for at least a little while. Any mishaps or dissagrements are dissipated for at least a little while. Now mind you this is my opinion and I understand that Christmas can be incredibly stressful for many people. But when you think about it when else is all your family together? Unless they are a tight knit bunch the holidays are the only times that ALL of the family is together at least for a meal. And as long as everyone acts civil at the table, I don’t know about you but when I have a plate of good food in front of me I have a hard time not enjoying at least that aspect of the whole scenario. I am excited to spread joy to all my friends today by delivering presents and just sharing the love of Jesus’s birth! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Christmas mood

Today was overall a good day. I was able to spend some quality time with most of my friends and was able to wrap up my Christmas shopping. Since I am dead tired I am posting some bible verses that I read that got me in the Christmas spirit. I hope they do the same for you!

Isaiah 7:14
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.

Luke 1:14
And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth

Luke 1:35
And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy–the Son of God.

Matthew 1:23
“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).

Luke 2:9-12
And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. (10) And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. (11) For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. (12) And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.”

Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

Micah 5:2
“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
though you are small among the clans of Judah,
out of you will come for me
one who will be ruler over Israel,
whose origins are from of old,
from ancient times. ”

Isaiah 9:6-7
(6) For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (7) Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this.

A sad state of affairs

So in some ways today felt like an extension of yesterday. Christmas is only 3 days away and more and more I am feeling this importance of being around friends and family this time of year.The Holidays are the time of year that people want to feel loved and be loved the most. Now that may sound ridiculous because people want to feel like they are loved year round but it’s true. For whatever reason whenever the holidays roll around it seems like people have this extra set of emotions and who knows why. It could be because of the weather and more people are spending time with each other inside instead of doing things outside as much. Or it could be that there is an abundance of social events this time of year and people just want to know that they are loved and wanted. While I think it could be both of these, I think the easiest explanation is that this a special time of year and God made it special for a reason. His son and our savior was born. That is the sole reason for celebration. This I why when I see people who are struggling with life it hurts  me because I think about how much joy the real meaning of Christmas should bring to everyone and to see people be brought down by other things in their lives it just sucks. I always wish there is something I can do or say to cheer them up and inevitably all I feel I can do is be accessible when called upon. But clearly Jesus is the only one who can change people wholeheartedly but I know I can do something. It is time to put my best foot forward and make people feel welcome and loved this Christmas.

Relationships

So today was quite interesting. I woke up with a new sense of determination. Coming off of that spiritual high I received from last night I responded with some new found energy. I felt like I had a more efficient day and in turn a successful day at work. After work I went to go visit my 18 year old brother Tony and I took him out for some dinner. He recently recovered from a manic episode that he had and while I think the doctors have given him way too many drugs that make him drowsy… other than that he seems to be doing well. After spending that quality time with my brother, I went with some friends to welcome back my longtime friend Casey who is in the army (he is referenced in the miss understood post). We went to the Outback Steakhouse for dinner. Then we went and visited another friend of ours. Now without going completely expository, I guess what I got out of today is that in my life for whatever reason, God placed these people  (family,friends,coworkers) and it is my responsibility to do what I can to maintain and grow those relationships into something that can be pleasing to God. Whether it entails sharing about the gospel, providing comfort in hard times, being a friend or just straight loving on them, I feel convicted to step up in my relationships and be more accessible and transparent than I have been. I love my family and friends but I don’t think I show it enough and I don’t think they feel it as much as they should. If I continue on like I have been I will be directly disobeying the “love your neighbor as yourself” commandment and I don’t want to do that. Life is too short for personal agendas. All I should have room for in my calender is doing God’s work and my family and friends.

Eye Opening

Wow what an answer to prayer! Today has just been an explosion of emotions and life and convictions and awesome just God things. I haven’t felt so spiritually led in a long time! Is it right to feel convicted and excited at the same time? I kind of feel that way. I feel a need to insert God and his word in to all aspects of my life. In the morning waking up and at work and when I am with people or alone at night before I go to bed. Even with what I listen to on the radio. I normally listen to sports radio or secular rock but on the way home from the inspiring bible study tonight I turned over to Spirit 105.3 (the local Christian music station) because I had a need to listen to some uplifting worship and what was playing? Jingle bells. Now normally when I am in a Christmas mood I am into all of those catchy Christmas songs like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, frosty the snowman and jingle bells. But tonight I wasn’t having it . I was in such a mood that all I wanted to do was scream out praise and worship to my God and the Christian station was playing…. Jingle bells! I got so annoyed and a tad angry and I turned off my car radio all together. So I sat there in silence with thoughts racing through my head. Thoughts of ponderment, regret, disdain for some of the things in my life. Then I felt God speak to me just as I passed my longtime friend Alex’s house. And what he said was that I need to invite Alex to Wednesday night bible study. God imparted that he needs to hear the testimony and the great heavenly things that are discussed. So I am going to make it my priority to invite Alex and other people I know to Wednesday night. Because what is being spoken needs to be heard. God is good and I need some sleep.

Why does this happen?

So in most ways my Tuesday was by far better than Monday. But in some ways not. Work was well work. Nothing exciting really besides making a ton of calls. After work I went to couple’s house from church that I have become great friends with. I was just chilling playing some halo 3 and then I got “the message”. I was busy pwning some noobs when my almost dead phone started vibrating. I got a message and this is what it read: “Did you go to warm beach on Sunday?” Do you remember that girl that I wrote about in my “Miss Understood” post? Well this was the girl who sent me the message. Now me thinking the way I do just responded with a “yeah”. Bad times. She proceeded to send me back a message with the gist saying “That that was a rotten thing to do and that I shouldn’t have gone”. Ok so I had planned to go with her and another group of friends this friday but unexpectantly was invited to go with the couple who’s house I was at today and some of my other friends. I am sorry if I may be confusing you but I am thinking to myself why did God have to make relationships so difficult? I don’t know it never seems I am able to please everyone or be in good graces with all of my friends. It seems like there always has to be drama. But why is that? Am I too nice? Am I not nice enough? Do I pick the wrong friends? Am I not a good friend? All these questions come up when I am in situations like this. I always feel like I am in the wrong somehow if I am hanging out with one group and not doing something with the other visa versa. I never recommend having two groups of friends or friends who don’t like or don’t actively hangout with your other friends. It causes way too many problems. Why is it that a good friend of mine that I have said is a “Woman of God” and “Has a heart for being a missionary” call my direct actions “rotten”. Should I feel rotten? Should I have not gone and chose to just go on Friday? I don’t know. But all I know is I love all of my friends and that I think things like this rip friendships apart and I don’t want that to happen. I think I need to go pray because I have a lot of questions with no answers that I need to iron out and hopefully God can give me some clarity, cause right now things are quite fuzzy for me.

So what then?

This could be considered the most ugg monday I have ever had. I woke up sick and had a bit of a cold. I  ended up going to  work late and had to deal with a few fires to put out when I got there. The day pretty much flew by and now I am ready to sleep it off and pray that tuesday is better. You ever heard that saying “live every day like it’s your last” yeah well I hope this isn’t my last day cause it sucked. These kind of days I am trying to eradicate from my life. I am a christian and I should find joy in all that I do. But you know how frieking hard that is to do sometimes? The way today went just reminds me of my overall purpose and that I should be striving to receive the Holy Spirit as much as I can and should be getting rid of some of the fluff that is hindering that purpose. I need to become mentally tough and be able to counter satan’s lies of pride, sensuality and materialism. The only way I know how is to read God’s instruction manual for life and be in constant prayer. Until I do that I think I am going to be stuck with a few duds such as today. Hopefully tomorrow brings me a renewed sense of purpose and dedication because life is too short to let it pass by.