The Painful Beginning

So to start off I am a Christian just to get that out of the way. I am 20 years old and my current occupation is a software consultant. I am currently renting a trailer on the property of my friends parents house (pathetic right). I kind of had a hard childhood growing up. I had an alcoholic father who passed away when I was 11 and a Bipolar mother. My brother also has some learning disabilities and has been diagnosed as bipolar as well. So as you could guess I am kinda screwed up. I am quite amazed sometimes how I am the only “normal” person in my immediate family and how incredible messed up I am myself sometimes. I skated through high school lacking motivation and application, people considered me the “smart kid” even though all said and done I ended up with like a 2.2 GPA. So I tryed out the community college route and realized pretty quick that it might not be for me. (again lack of motivation or drive) and I was stuck with a conundrum of what the heck am I going to do with my life. Up to the beginning of 2007 I had been working mostly retail and restaurant jobs with a stint as a executive assistant at a temp agency. So back to my current position I work at a company called Rain Networks as an accounts executive (I sell people software) besides the fact that recently it has been decently lucrative I am still not sold on if this what I am meant to do or should do for an extended period of time. But for right now it does more than pays the bills so I am not complaining too much. Ok so back to me being a Christian. I am currently plugged into what was The First Baptist Church of Snohomish which went through a merger with another congregation and is now The Bridge Church of Snohomish county. Name withstanding change has been paramount since the merger and everything. Right now I am involved in a “Millennium Group” basically it is a small group of people from 18 to their mid thirties mixed with some of my longtime friends and some acquaintances that have turned into good friends. We consider ourselves a group that is searching for the answers to this thing called life through the Bible and biblical teaching. It has been morphed and shaped recently with people leaving and coming but we have transformed into a core group of people that are broken or are in the process of breaking down in many different ways in our lives and through that brokenness we are trying to see God’s holy spirit shine through us. I bring this up because I know the sincerity of the other core people but in many ways I feel completly apart from God and what he wants me to do with my life. Kind of like it seems that I have kind of glazed over the things that my CREATOR the one who created man and earth is wanting me to do. I feel very venerable to some of satan’s lies of pride, sensuality and passivity. Sometimes i feel fully engulfed in these things and let me tell you it is incredibly hard to pull myself back on the track of getting in the bible and praying consistently with these things taking over my life. I know I want to be a good Christian and a man of God but right now I feel a lack of the Godly discipline to do the things necessary to the be the Christian and missionary that I know I am called to do. I know I don’t want to be a “Hollow Christian” a professed Christian that lives their lives the opposite of how a Christian should. I want to be that leader and I want God to be able to use me to impact other peoples lives if it is his will. But I know that it all starts with repentance and acknowledgment is the first step so I am writing this today to remind me of where I want to be in my life and that I need to repent. I am a sinner and there are things that I need to go to God for forgiveness and I guess you can call this the painful beginning of that process.