Letter to my future wife

Oh how I yearn to share with you all that God has done in my life. I can’t wait for the times when I can guide you with the wisdom of proverbs;To cherish you how I am cherished by my creater, like a rose among thorns; To hold you close, and pray with you and for you especially when we are apart; To protect you just as the holy spirit protects me. I long for the opportunity to wash your feet just as Jesus washed the disciples feet, and serve you communion just as Jesus broke bread for the last time. I can’t wait to spread with you joy when the world has got you down, peace when you feel there is no relief in sight, patience in times of stress, kindness when you are burdened by the unkind, faithfulness for you deserve this, forgiveness when you are wronged, trust when you need a shoulder to lean on, gentleness when healing the scarred areas of your heart, self control for when you lack it And most of all I can’t wait to love you how much my heavenly father loves me. Unconditionally. Without bounds or walls and never ceasing. The kind of love that you feel that produces a tingle in your entire body that just won’t go away. The real kind. The heavenly kind.

The joy of…..life

Wrapped up in my ginormous bed which I love, thoughts of calmness and a quiet sense of satisfaction have swept over me. My life has been a blur of happenings, events, changes, and I have come to the conclusion that all that withstanding, I am blessed. When I think about every breath and every moment good or bad, sad or happy I praise the name of my Abba father, my creater and my lord. I did something today I don’t normally do. When I am driving I usually am listening to sports radio or a mix of a few other music stations. Well today for the whole time while I was in my car I turned on the local worship/christian music station and belted out praise for my God. Words can not express the joy that I felt just for doing something as simple as turning some normal “me” time into “God” time by changing what I normally listen to, into something praiseworthy. We live in a slighted society. The devil tempts us by tricking us into having slight errors in judgment. We often see the big picture but in that proccess we lose sight of the small deficiencies that weigh us down and distract us from our purpose. Do I think it is wrong to listen to sports radio? No. But I do think there is something to ridding myself of some of the minor distractions in my life, to uncover the sheer joy of worship and intercession with God. This whole day was an abberation from a normal day for me. Joyous and melodious, it felt like a shakespeare play without the drama. It’s amazing what you can unearth when you change a few moments of your time into God’s time. Today for me it produced joy sweeter than honey. I pray that I crave this feeling more often because great change in my life is possible. And I can only receive that if I lift up the name above all names and have him work through me.

Purpose

What does it mean to have a true purpose? What makes me feel content in knowing that what I am doing is achieving that purpose? Questions I have that I can’t seem to fully answer at this moment. I feel like God is waiting for me to do something. Take action. Now I don’t know what action but I feel that what is going on in my life is going to eventually come to a point. Like possibly it is involving a big decision. Or a small change in character. Or he is very discretly telling me to wake up and smell the roses. Maybe he is telling me that I need to get rid of the layers of shame and guilt that I have built up for many years. Maybe unpack that filth that has been slowly but shurly creeping up on me like an itch I can’t scratch. Now I don’t take repentance lightly because I feel that it can’t be a quick one and done thing. I relate it kinda to getting the chicken pox (which I haven’t had by the way and pray that I don’t.) You get them once and you shouldn’t get them for the rest of your life. The same thing for me. For instance I do something that is irresponsible, I repent of it (like David in Psalms 51) and I should do a complete u turn, fully ridding myself of that past struggle. The problem is my human mind says that this undertaking is a lot of work and not something that is a urgent matter as much as it should be to address in my life. So this is something that I need to pray about. I pray that God and his commandments are convicting of myself and that if even a slight change is necessary I do it to work towards totally supplementing myself with Christ. Maybe then I won’t have the feeling that I am always looking for something new and refined. After all Jesus broke bread with the old, burdened and unclean and aren’t I supposed to mirroring him?

Discipline

What does it take to be disciplined? The answer should be easy shouldn’t it? You know get your lazy butt up do the crap you need to do! But for me it doesn’t work that way. I keep telling myself and others I want to do these things and then for some reason I don’t end up doing them. Its like my will is there but I can’t put it into action. This is something that I need to pray about. I have dealt with it all my life and I need to repent of it. I think it is directly connected to any time that I feel discouraged about anything. And I do see that in someways it is affecting my relationships. So it is definatly no good. I as a follower of Christ should not only be spreading the good word of his teaching, but showing it! “shine my light so they may know that I am God” Through prayer and reading the bible I plan to make my light brighter. So I pray, May God be glorified through my words AND my actions.

Change

I feel like I am continually being humbled and molded. I feel like God one by one is ripping the layers of crap off of me. I am starting to breath even though sometimes I am covering myself up again. sometimes I feel like what I say some times doesn’t make sense and I have been praying that God fills my speech with importance even if it doesn’t automatically flow. Underneath it all, repentance is staring me straight in the face. For I know of the things that I have done and said that are directly holding me back to grow and receive God’s holy spirit. Stubborness and excuses pave my way and I want rid of them. That is why I am going to start with tommorow morning and try to turn that into at least one thing that I do. For I know out of all things I need prayer and fellowship and accountability and consider these things the most important in my life and my continual walk.

Powerfully Simple

Through how polarized my tuesday was from how I had such a downer morning and how it worked out and ended up not being so bad and that it mostly revolved around voicing of opinions and inevitably hurt feelings, I can not see how there is so many broken relationships in this world. I mean seriously what if everytime you had a dissagreement or an relationship issue with someone and instead of letting those hurt feelings fester until they overcome you, instead you went and lifted it up to the Lord and asked him to help you with that issue or dissagreement and prayed for humility and patience and came to that person and lovingly confronted them and worked it out! Imagine how many couples would still be together and friendships rebuilt if we went to our creator, the one who created us and knows us inside and out! The one who Loves us and wants us to be loved and love others! I mean this is simple stuff. I had some hurt feelings today. I took the time to consult and pray to God for humility and patience and how to approach this person and in the end I feel it worked out. God wants harmony in our relationships (read song of solomon for great example) and any negative thought I feel is a lie that Satan has planted there to trick us into verbally attacking or in some cases physically attacking the ones that we love. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone stopped and prayed for advice or direction or anything pressing or important in their lives how many of those broken relationships would be healed. I know the least I need to do is pray in these situations for I am too stubborn or prideful usually to fix anything on my own. And the last thing I want to do is hurt the ones I love.

New Bed, New Journey

so I haven’t posted in awhile because I have been incredibly busy and tired from moving in and getting our house situated. I have no lack of thoughts as I enter this new stage in my life. I for one feel blessed that God has granted me independence. The joy of getting my first place is uncapped. It is not the nicest place in the world but definatly fixable. Hey isn’t that what God does? Fixes brokedness and cleans up the filth in our lives. So the least I should be able to do is turn this fixer upper into something that resembles a home. After a week and some paint and some furniture it is looking better already. I am excited for bible study on wednesday and what God has in store for the journey ahead. Nothing like laying in my comfy new bed with a smile on my face:)