The one that I lost

I wasn’t going to do this. Many people have articulated some of the most thoughtful sentiments I have ever read. and expressed them in an open and honest way that I struggle as a man to feel myself. You see, everyone has experienced tragedy in their lives in one way or another and unfortunately I experienced loss at a young age and it changed me forever. Death doesn’t wait for you to catch up to its sting. It throws out every emotion and forces you to deal with the grief, sorrow, anger and emptiness that it brings.

Unfortunately Death broke me.

I was unable to cope with the barrage that came at me so, I shut it down. In my head I had to be strong for my brother and my mom so I suppressed all of those feelings I had to the depths of my soul….

And now here I am. I am as close to where I was then and I am a mess.

Death came again to take my friend Bob.

This is real and raw and it has destroyed those barriers that I had put up so I wouldn’t have to feel what I do now.

From the outside I will tell you that I’m fine and doing OK when in reality I have a volcano inside of me about to burst.

You see, Bob was a real friend to me.

The type that would go along with your idiotic idea. He was like “renting an absolute dump of a duplex because hey it was cheap and we were 2 single dudes what the heck why not?” type of friend. And let me tell you those friends don’t grow on trees. In the “check how your life is going from what you post on facebook and maybe remember to wish you a happy birthday once a year” kind of friendship,

Bob Cared.

He would listen to my various rants about sports, life and girls as we strolled to Taco Bell for example (because we were lazy and rarely made dinner) and never gave me the many “Tim, you are off your rocker!” looks I probably deserved and went along with such great ideas as putting 2 big screen TV’s and a projector in our living room (don’t be jealous).

Honestly I could go through countless stories of weekend hijinks with friends like driving to Seattle just for the heck of it while bumping the most ridiculous rap music (because we were cool ya know?) And hopping on a 7 day cruise to Alaska (because certainly there was going to be plenty of hot chicks and not a majority of old people).

Anyway I hope you get some of that picture. This was also the Bob I knew:

https://dedicated2him.wordpress.com/2008/02/26/life-doesnt-stop/

He might not have grasped some of the complex theology of God and the bible,

But he was searching for his purpose in Christ.

And this is where it gets hard…

Me and Bob had a falling out.

You ever heard the term “pride comes before the fall”? Well this is where I am. I could go through countless reasons why it happened but it boils down to on my end,

My pride got the best of me.

I always foresaw a day when I would call him and he would pick up and we would meet for coffee (or Taco Bell) and I would be able to listen,unload, apologize and let go of all of the insignificant crap that I had pent up and make a first step maybe not to where we were but closer to what our friendship used to be.

Unfortunately that day will never come.

All I have now are the countless memories and stories of all of the good times we had and look forward to seeking peace with God for what I feel and the many questions I have and hope and pray to see him on the other side.

The moral of my story. (not that every story needs a moral but)

Never hesitate to reconcile with those you love.

You never know if it will be too late..

So some people called him Robert that or Bobby, or other names (he had come to prefer Robert) but since that first day of kindergarten on the bus with your mom driving, I will always love you and to me you will always be

Bob.

Broken

The overwhelming factor of life’s many disasters is a fervent indwelling of pride sprinkled with a blind eye towards the master. To live a life fulfilling of the height of one’s ceiling, begins with knees to the ground and ends with that broken feeling.

Night Rhyme

Who knew? Dear Diary, this is DEEP. So true. Maybe you? Flow then go, Start and Roll. Stop and Rock, Stole the show….

~God Bless

Today to the next one

So my thoughts have not found their way here in quite a while. Writing I have found is a discipline that few are blessed by God to be able to do on a consistent daily basis. Sometimes I feel envy towards those blessed few, sometimes I feel that writing can be a meaningless exercise derived from one’s overwhelming desperation to be heard. Either way I am here right now writing this and you are wondering at this very moment why you are reading it. All the while I am thinking about how blessed I am to feel anything at all.

Radical

So I haven’t blogged forever. I know I fail. Thank God for Jesus! Anyway I plan to start on a new Radical path in my life. I was recommended to read the book “Radical” by David Platt by my Pastor. My plan is to read a chapter, then write about it. Below is the into video for the book. It kinda got me fired up!

Life Transition

So it has been a long while since I graced the online pages of my Broken Missionary blog. I really don’t know why I stopped writing in the first place. I could say life got busy or work, family, friends, church activities got in the way. But in reality (this might sound weird) I think my enemy has done his best and succeeded to keep me from writing. The reason for this I believe is when I wrote consistently I got on a routine of sorts that included bible reading and prayer. I have a feeling my enemy doesn’t like that so he has done whatever he could to keep me from writing and succeeded. I really have missed it. A lot has changed in my life. I am in a different place than I was before. I would say more so spiritually and mentally than my physical circumstances however. I think God is testing me in a whole different way. I feel he is using the people I love around me to pull me back to him. In many ways I can see where I have ran from his will. I am done cheapening the sacrifice that Jesus made for my sins and done taking my sin lightly. I have in the past, even recently. I have no excuse for not knowing what to do. But I just end up doing what I shouldn’t.


“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any doubleedgedsword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Hebrews 4:12

I know that not just actions but words cut to the bone. I  pray that God show me how to be more conscious of the impact of  my words on others.

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Matthew 5:37

I also pray Lord that I continually become more decisive in my decision and am able to follow through on my promises hovever big or small they may be.

“For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD,
and he examines all his paths.”
Proverbs 5:21

Dear Lord I also pray that I recognize always that you know all and see all and that my thoughts and deeds cannot be hidden from you. So I pray Lord that you continually shape my ways to be pleasing and honorable to you.

” For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Proverbs 30:5

Dear Lord I pray that I can continually rejoice and praise your goodness and grace every morning.

Amen

Being Real

So for the first time in my life I truly want to know what it feels like to not be a hypocrite. To match what I say with what I do. Then and only then will I be able to start fulfilling my potential as a follower of Christ.

Pray