I wasn’t going to do this. Many people have articulated some of the most thoughtful sentiments I have ever read. and expressed them in an open and honest way that I struggle as a man to feel myself. You see, everyone has experienced tragedy in their lives in one way or another and unfortunately I experienced loss at a young age and it changed me forever. Death doesn’t wait for you to catch up to its sting. It throws out every emotion and forces you to deal with the grief, sorrow, anger and emptiness that it brings.
Unfortunately Death broke me.
I was unable to cope with the barrage that came at me so, I shut it down. In my head I had to be strong for my brother and my mom so I suppressed all of those feelings I had to the depths of my soul….
And now here I am. I am as close to where I was then and I am a mess.
Death came again to take my friend Bob.
This is real and raw and it has destroyed those barriers that I had put up so I wouldn’t have to feel what I do now.
From the outside I will tell you that I’m fine and doing OK when in reality I have a volcano inside of me about to burst.
You see, Bob was a real friend to me.
The type that would go along with your idiotic idea. He was like “renting an absolute dump of a duplex because hey it was cheap and we were 2 single dudes what the heck why not?” type of friend. And let me tell you those friends don’t grow on trees. In the “check how your life is going from what you post on facebook and maybe remember to wish you a happy birthday once a year” kind of friendship,
He would listen to my various rants about sports, life and girls as we strolled to Taco Bell for example (because we were lazy and rarely made dinner) and never gave me the many “Tim, you are off your rocker!” looks I probably deserved and went along with such great ideas as putting 2 big screen TV’s and a projector in our living room (don’t be jealous).
Honestly I could go through countless stories of weekend hijinks with friends like driving to Seattle just for the heck of it while bumping the most ridiculous rap music (because we were cool ya know?) And hopping on a 7 day cruise to Alaska (because certainly there was going to be plenty of hot chicks and not a majority of old people).
Anyway I hope you get some of that picture. This was also the Bob I knew:
He might not have grasped some of the complex theology of God and the bible,
But he was searching for his purpose in Christ.
And this is where it gets hard…
Me and Bob had a falling out.
You ever heard the term “pride comes before the fall”? Well this is where I am. I could go through countless reasons why it happened but it boils down to on my end,
My pride got the best of me.
I always foresaw a day when I would call him and he would pick up and we would meet for coffee (or Taco Bell) and I would be able to listen,unload, apologize and let go of all of the insignificant crap that I had pent up and make a first step maybe not to where we were but closer to what our friendship used to be.
Unfortunately that day will never come.
All I have now are the countless memories and stories of all of the good times we had and look forward to seeking peace with God for what I feel and the many questions I have and hope and pray to see him on the other side.
The moral of my story. (not that every story needs a moral but)
Never hesitate to reconcile with those you love.
You never know if it will be too late..
So some people called him Robert that or Bobby, or other names (he had come to prefer Robert) but since that first day of kindergarten on the bus with your mom driving, I will always love you and to me you will always be